It was the third phone call that did me in.

Up until that point I thought I had this trifle business sorted. It’s just cake with custard, fruit, jelly and a splash of wine – how hard could it be?

But, no.

I’m visiting my mother in hospital. She’s on the phone to my sister and interrupts her conversation to hand me the phone.

“How’s the trifle going?” my sister asks.

“Good. I’m just about to go home and make the jelly.”

“Make sure you do a half jelly.”

“Half jelly?”

“Yes, only put half the amount of water in the jelly so it sets firmer and you get stronger flavours.”

“Oh. Okay.”

I later mention the jelly detail to my mother.

“Oh yes, didn’t I tell you?”

“No.”

“Well, only do half the water.”

And so it has been with my attempt to “just make a trifle” for xmas lunch this year.

I thought it would be simple but since being advised on trifle making by my mother and both sisters, I’ve discovered that our family trifle is so intricate in its method that it must have come from the cordon bleu school.

In the last few days I have had several conversations about: whether the runny custard or the chunky custard goes over the sponge; whether jam is necessary on the sponge; the pros and cons of sherry vs port; whether there is a “dash” or “generous dash” of alcohol; whether it’s okay to let the sponge absorb the sherry/port overnight; whether one layers the ingredients or adds a-la-mess; whether the cream is dolloped on top (after the coconut) or left to add later – post plating; how many bowls are are required for making a “one half double sponge” recipe; how to make very chunky custard; how firm the chunky custard needs to be and what to do if your custard is not firm enough.

I have appreciated all the advice (often contradictory – with an “oh well you can do it either way” when queried) but I have to admit I’m a little overwhelmed.

It’s a dessert FFS.

So, what have I learned?

Don’t trifle with the trifle on xmas eve.

Here’s the recipe – as told to me by my sister, read from the back of a 2001 calendar:

“Spread one half of a double sponge with jam. Make the jelly and let it set. Cut the sponge into one inch squares, put in a dish and sprinkle with sherry or port. Cover with gladwrap. Make one half pint (150ml) of pouring custard. Pour over sponge. Leave to soak. Drain peaches. Make a pint of thick custard. Put in peaches, chunky custard and jelly. Sprinkle top with coconut. Blob with blobs of cream”

Simple.